Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Doomed enterprises divide lives forever into the then and now.

It's hard to imagine everything that can change in two years and when I look back it makes me dizzy.
I had at one point resigned myself to believing everything I dreamed of doing was nothing more that just that, dreaming. When you sit somewhere for five years spinning your wheels it's easy to become discouraged with yourself, everyone around you, life. I'd always been told that if you want to do or change something in life you just do it, just make the change. I never understood how to do that and I can't really explain what happened in my brain when everything just clicked and I made a decision that has changed everything.
My decision to reject the small selfish destructive girl I was has brought me the love of my life, taken me across the country and put a baby in my belly.
My life was easily consumed with bartending, working in a tattoo shop, roller derby, a grand pursuit of getting fucked up and destroying everything while basically pursuing nothing real. I spend my days in a bit more simple of fashions now. House chores, gardening, puppy walking, cooking a healthy dinner every night. No job, no night life, no real social circle to speak of and while that all may sound quite boring, it really is just the start of the life I want to live.
A year and a half ago Jim and I decided what our lives were going to be. I packed my bags for Philadelphia to be with him, leaving everything and everyone behind. We planned to move to Texas, start our family and live a life that seems long lost by societal standards. I can't believe how quickly we have accomplished all that. Hopefully this blog will chronicle our pursuit of dropping out, becoming self sufficient and making life our land and family.
I've never been a huge fan of sharing your life with an internet world but the idea of chronicling such a huge change in life is too appealing. At the end of June I become a mother for the first time, Jim a father. Nothing in the world seems more exciting and strange than this, no matter how commonplace it may be.

Sometimes the decisions in life you make bring you to a place where you feel like you have royally fucked up everything beyond repair. In retrospect I realize I was just thickening my skin and freeing up my life for infinite possibilities. I'm not entirely what my future holds but i've never been so excited about it.