Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Still searching for my stride

Sweet lord I got up at 8am today. That's probably funny to most people, especially those of you with children. I guess I had gotten lucky thus far that Llewellyn was totally down to kick it with his mommys schedule. That's pretty much go to bed at 5am and wake up around 2pm. I have been bartending, or at the least working in bars for about 10 years so my sleeping schedule seemed to take a permanent shift to nocturnal. Truth be told I was always a night person.
I thought that I would start to crack down on a sleeping routine for he and I when he is about 6 months old, at that point there should be more activities to keep us busy during the day, the weather will be less brutal and maybe he'd be keen for a schedule that isn't mostly dictated by him.....well he has decided to crack down for us. The last 2 weeks he has gotten up earlier and earlier everyday, I give some cuddle time and beg him for more sleepies but he isn't having it. I hope that 8am is as early as we're going to get here.
This all has caused me to be one tired mommy and as much as my pre-prego body is back(sweet) my pre-prego energy is not. I find it nearly impossible to get anything, I mean anything, done around the house. I manage the load of laundry everyday(fully necessary when you cloth diaper and have a little vomit machine around) and possibly making dinner. The rest of my time is pretty much spent lying on the couch playing or cuddling with Llewellyn while the worst selection of t.v that exists plays. I think pregnancy has caused an adult onset of A.D.D, i'm not kidding. All this I feel like a TOTAL piece of shit about. I can't tell you the tears I cry over my lack of activity. I feel like im slacking on what I should be doing and that i'm such a shitty homemaker. I think i'm a super loving mother, fully interacting with my baby constantly but I have stopped interacting with the rest of life. Every time Jim tells me how tired he is I fume inside. "How can he be so insensitive, he wasn't up every hour with a baby kicking, pinching, grabbing, cooing, crying, sucking, at/on him". I feel like I am not allowed to mention how worn out this has me and when I do it's mr. me too. I shouldn't feel like that but I do, I can't help it. I don't have anyone around going through what I am and i'm lonely.
The little man isn't even 3 months old yet and there is not a whole hell of a lot that I have found to do with him that brings me out and about. I never really got around to making friends so much as acquaintances in Austin because a: I was pregnant and miserably sick and b: this doesn't feel like a permanent home to me. Jim is gone from about 11am until 9pm so I figure the more I sleep during that block the less time that is spent missing him and being bored. I've looked up a lot of local baby friendly activities and they all seem to start around 6 months. There are a good amount of mommy and me groups but I fear that the women in them might not take so well to the site of me. I'd have guessed that a city like Austin would have modified mom groups....then again I dislike most people who lump themselves into something like the "mod community". I'm not even fully comfortable with resigning myself to mommy only oriented activities. It's hot as balls out and even walking him in the park is a no go because with the Moby on we would probably fuse together permanently and even in a stroller he may burst into flames. There is also the fact we do not have a single penny to our names to do much with.
How the fuck am I suppose to amuse us all day!? I'm sure he will get sick of me doing baby aerobics on the couch and singing to him after a while. There's a big world I want him to experience.
I have such a beautiful idea in mind of what I want his childhood to be like and I feel like I am off to a bad start. I'm sure there are a lot of people that will argue all your baby needs is love but I don't want him to grow up to a be a total dumbass and there is a whole lot of adventuring I want to go on with him. I'm eager to see wonderment at the world through his eyes and he isn't going to get a lot of that laying on the couch with me cuddling and kissing him.
We just spent a half hour or so sitting outside so I could have a tea, get some sun, and let his butt finally wake up for a morning poop but the sun started to get warmer and I didn't want his supple little baby skin to burn off as it went from 80 to 95 within 20 minutes. I guess that's something.
I know this sounds like a very negative post and I really did not intend for it to be, it is however honest and I wouldn't be surprised to hear a lot of new moms experience the same thing. I AM happy, I love this little man so much I could explode, so much it causes me crippling panic attacks some nights(maybe that isn't good). He is the absolute sunshine of my everyday and I would die without him. I am just having a tough little go of transitioning into being a mother, i'm confused about my identity, my sexuality and role in the world now. I'm not used to spending all my time chatting with someone who cannot do anything but coo and smile at me, as satisfying and beautiful as those coos and smiles may be.

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